Not that anyone actually reads my live journal but I thought it only fair to post this here as well just in case ;)

Science is Vital so in response to the governments proposed funding cuts there is going to be a rally on the 9th and a lobbying of Parliment on the 12th.  There is a petition to sign and blog posts to be written about why it is important - I have also written a Science is Vital Poem / Rap and am inviting people to add their own verses as to why Science is Vital!

Here are the links you need:

http://scienceisvital.org.uk/

http://www.facebook.com/#!/group.php?gid=151947854829577&ref=ts

http://www.snell-pym.org.uk/archives/2010/10/04/science-is-vital-poemrap/

http://www.theyworkforyou.com/

I feeling like an utter failure at the moment :( My house is a mess, my writing is a struggle, I am barely drawing a thing and when I do it's not as neat as I want it to be.

I realise that my hands are aching due to being pregnant and that I have been having lots of energy issues and what not but I am also having to face up to the whole hospital/Dr phobia - the midwife has been most understanding about it but I still feel stupid.  Infact i feel stupid about the whole pregnancy - for not having realised I was pregnant when we were trying for a child and hadn't had any periods etc...

I just seem to spend so much time just surviving at the moment.  On top of that I have found that the banks have all been doing odd things with my card repayments - I set up DD to pay and assumed the balances would be going down as I'm not spending anything and they calculate the amount to take but no! The balances have been going up and then I went over limits so they have fined me :(

I'm aware I should have spotted this but I have stacks of unopened mail where I've been sick and have only just started opening it :( It was a real shock and has really upset me as I thought all those debts where steadily if slowely disappearing :(

Anyway I'm just winging again for no reason really.

Unfortunatly my anxiety levels are quiet high at the moment :( I went to a local 'club' to watch some music with some friends and a musician I really like and who I've spoken to before was there and I failed to be able to talk to him or indeed anyone I hadn't known for an age.  Towards the end of the night I was ok with people who spoke to me.

I even ended up next to the musician and didn't manage to speak to him and a similar problem occured the next evening when I went to see him play :(  I'm having apaplexy just getting out of the door which is so stupid it is unbelievable :(

Now I find that one of the few friends I've made here is moving away :( that deadly feeling of being on my own and isolated is creeping in again.

The thing is I definatly like it here - I like not being in a town but with hubby away most of the time I'm feeling a bit well crushed I suppose.

On the plus side things are looking up - I have an art exhibition, and workshops to run but I'm finding these are cuaseing me anxiety now too!  I'm so worried I'm going to do something wrong :/

 This year has yet again been a crap one - and I really mean that - I've had fun in it and achived a few things, discovered that I do have friends who care but mainly its still been CRAP.

It follows on the heels of other crap years and I have grown weary of it  all.

This year has seen hospital visits, the stuffing up of my science career for the second time and a desperation over our debts and my 'lose of main client' situation have lead to visits to the CAB.  I thought that something unexpected and though a trouble all of its own, never the less very lovely thing was going to finish the year - was going to make things better even though I was scared and worried.

But I began to bleed and got a sharp stick like pain in my side that didn't go away for days.  This continued on and off for week, I lost clots and then gunk.

And then Jean asked me the morning after the gunk had appears and after there had been lots of tears and the like, and a very late night, 'Where's the baby gone mummy?' Just before she was supposed to go to school.  I did a bad thing and kept her at home with me and we watched films all day.

I never told her I was pregnant but she kept on about the babies in my tummy.

I concieve easily and it looks like I lose them easily.  I had trouble with this at the beginning of Jean's pregnancy but was so sick I had forced rest and so over doing things was never going to happen.  This time I was rushing around hovering and rearranging the furnature.

My mum has since blamed the miscarrages on Hubbies veggi cooking, me taking part in NaNoWriMo and me picking up Jean for cuddles.  She also maintains she;s just as disappointed as me as she was really looking forward to it (like its a party of something).  I think I've had a shit year health wise - and its not got any better - I've popped something in the back of my knee this week and its niggly painfull and all bobbly :/  Its something new like that every week it seems.

Mum I think is hasn't helped driving my stress levels up to the point of me having noise bleeds and the like.

My emotions are still all over the place and ashamed as I am to say it - I had an argument with hubby about the fucking housework of all things (he bought a friend home to help clean the house as I was supposed to be on complete rest) - I hit him :( I could make excuesses that my hornmones were all over the place and up and down and I was having cramps and pain and stuff but I am still horrified.

I hurt hand more than I hurt him but it was the angry bright intention that scared me.

So I'm sad about many many things at the moment - I haven't decorated the house for Christmas - I am finding anything that mentions Jesus really annoying in fact - I am being snide to my mother and her beliefs and I have no patience.  The whole religon thing is hurting me at the moment too.

I'm mainly sad about no baby though, followed by a shot in the bum career and debt.

Oddly though I am starting to feel a sense of self - something I have never really felt this before and it is scary and exhilerating at the same time.

However I'm still not opening my post which is stupid :/ (unless handwritten in friends handwritting that I recognise!)

 A while ago I become interested in Bipolar Disorder because I had read somewhere that it can develope from Post Truamatic Stress Disorder and as I have complex-Post Truamatic Stress Disorder CPTSD I was worried.  At university I often had people telling me I was a manic depressive I think is another name for BD.

However I'm not a manic depressive but I have found out from my reading why the Drs always ask me certain things like how long my moods take to cycle.  This is highly variable and unfortuantly very much linked to how much pain I'm in at the time.

They also ask me how I percieve time which I thought was interesting.  Now I have depression but it turns out to be cuased by external things - my life is quiet frankly stupid and intense and has been all my life.  Add in a few major truamers and anyone would be damaged.

The thing is once you alittle bit broken by an event if it is not handled properlly you become more vunerable to other events.

I get anxious and I used to have huge great big panic attacks - the sort that got mistaken for asthma.

Even passing out has been know becuase of changes in my blood pressure.

I found out that Bipolar Disorder is thought to be related to ADHD aswell.  Now this is something else I do have along with dyslexia and dispraxia - honestly the educational pscylogist said so!

But I was thinking on this and ADHD is now grouped together with Dyslexia, Dyspraxia and the autism spectrum.  And you are more lickley to have multiple ones than just one.  But I am starting to think that these along with alot of the 'personality' disorders are only truelly a problem within modern society.

Or any society where being 'normal' without a ridged set of rules is so important.

I didn't really have a point to this to be honest I just wanted to write that I have found that they do think there is at least a relationship even if its just shared symptoms (symptoms are not cuases) and that I had two related erm... things?  I never know what they count as they don't really feel like illnesses.  I have always been hyper - all the children in my family are hyper -  I also knwo that it is most definatly triggered by certain foods.  The CPTSD is a bit more complecated and I don't really know how I feel about it.

I haven't been to war, but I was broken so badly that I didn't talk for weeks and weeks as a four/five year old the same age as my loud confident duaghter is now.  The quiet me came after this and with subsequent things I with drew inside myself - its a defense mechanism and it was part of what allowed me to survive but I'm not in the dangerous situation anymore and so it is a redundent dangerous behavour now.

I am working at putting the damage parts back together again rather than what I did when I was young with was to patch the surface so it looked perfect and hide the broken insides away so no one could see.  If I carry this stretch metaphor furthur those hidden broken pieces kept tripping people who knew me up and it took me to feel safe with my husband to be able to even admit the boxes where there.

I will always have cracks from where I fractured under the stress but I can at least be complete.

More trouble with my OpenID so this is a comment I tried to post!

To EelKat

Big hugs - having suffered myself with back flare ups where I loose the ability to walk and stuff sometime as well as the use of my hands - I know that you must a) be scared and b) be worried about your animals etc... But the key is going to be working out coping stratagies - they are possible though you'll have to do some experiments to work out what works and what doesn't. It's going to take time but seeing what you've been through all ready I know you'll be able to cope with this - this doesn't make it any easier though but we are all here thinking off you. Saffy/Sarah

I read this article http://www.theblogofinnocence.com/2009/10/reflecting-on-basquiat.html on the Blog of Innocence and made a comment which for some reason I couldn't post even though I've posted before on the site - open ID error - even though its my live journal I use for it and obviouslly that is working :( Anyway I'm posting the comment here and trying to work out have to do links in this thing:

The thing is we all define ourselves by peoples expextations of us - it is part of being human - we are social animals and in the wild ostrasiscm ment a cold hungry death so we all seek acceptance.

Most people manage this in todays society by being slightly different people in different contexts - ie who they are talking to, how they have decided to dress that day etc...

But famous people stop having that buffer and they can fill judged all the time - the expectations to meet. They never get to feel completely on their own meaning that they never get to be themselves again - reset between events and groups of people. I think this would lead to a major distortion in who they appear to be and who they want to be.

I think that they would end up feeling that they belong no where but are owned by all which would be sickening to the heart.

The whole thing brings to mind a White Strips song about dreaming when your writing in your little room but then when you've made it having to struggle to remeber what it was like in the little room to get the right feelings to create again.

I find most of my depression comes from not being able to do what people expect of me so I imagine that must be a thousand fold if it is the general public that hold your soul in their hands.

 I am being attacked on twitter still which makes me very sad but sadder still is that the friend who gave me the advice to think about what could easiestly bring in money and then do that is now rediculing me for having chosen writing - my blogs are the only income for me at the moment and she says I'm spending far to much time blogging - I pointed this out but she says I should use the time for me, my family, work and hobbies.

Well honestly the blogging is for me - I'm obssessed with writing and blogging in particular its something that gives me a sense of well being - but if its not work then its definatly a hobby but when pointed out she just says - 'But you see my point don't you?'

So now I feel like I'm pathetically wasting my time - but its not like I'm even writing that much at the moment - absorbed in writers apathy.  I haven't deared ask what she thinks of the painting and craft stuff.  I know I have the potential to be in the top of my science field but whats the point of that if it kills me getting there?  There is enough stress as it is.

So I'm back to feeling worthless and a waste of space and I knwo thats not what she ment to happen.

 So I cods it up and have upset someone by saying they scare me too much to meet up in the physical with them - I was going to meet them for tea and scones and hopefully help both of us get over agrophobia and stuff like that.  But it quickly became apparent that he wasn't happy with the 'restrictions' I was placing on the meet up and so things have erm...

Esculated and now my twitter account is being spammed by his fans @ messages and unfortunately he has a lot of followers :/

Yes I was stupid and nieve and now I have a lot of hate coming my way when I was trying to be a nice person.

Plus I am worried he is going to go through with his threats and hurt himself but I am recovering from stress and have taken the discission to distance myself for my own sanity - I am feeling horrible and very angry and sad and scared.

I am a complete idiot - it should have been obvious this would happen.  This is what I get for having creative insomnia for a week.

 I have achieved?

Well I've painted and glued and drawn and done papier mache and thought and pondered and generally done everything that didn't need to be done and none of what did need to be done.

Lame arse thats me.

Plans for tomorrow are pretty similar too I have to confess.